Goodbye

Surrendered 4/11/14

Biscuit

Re-homed 2/17/14

Dear Cookie,

Please forgive us. We're so sorry, it's all our fault. We want to blame other things - your mom for attacking the litter, forcing her owners to give you and the others away at only 4-weeks...or the neighborhood boy who tried to teach you and Biscuit to fight each other when we weren't watching. We want to say that your behavior had nothing to do with us...but of course it did. We picked you like you were a toy on a shelf, we kept you even when we knew something was wrong, and then we gave you up when no one else would take you. We're so sorry. We should have met you first, should have said hello, and then said goodbye instead of taking you home. 

You were always a good boy, never ever a bad dog. You belonged in a quiet home with less bustle, with people who would have made you feel safe and special. Here, you were the fourth addition and at the bottom of a tall totem pole. You needed more than we could give you.

It's my fault you weren't re-homed in February. There was a couple that wanted you but I gave them Biscuit instead...because I'm the one who couldn't let you go. I knew she'd be resilient enough to handle the change, but I believed you were better off with us than anyone else. I know now that I was selfish, and that the couple who wanted you would have been the perfect fit. You had a chance in February, but I kept you...and then I gave you up when no one else would take you anymore. I'm so sorry...it's all my fault.

  

***

Our dog was a red heeler/pitbull mix. We called him a Red Bull :) At 5-months he was almost 60 lbs. His size confused everyone, including the dog trainer we had been working with. In fact, he thought he might have some great dane in him because his ears were big and floppy but they also stood straight up at times. He was quiet, hardly ever barked, and was obedient. We used to joke about how he was cute but dumb...because it took him a lot longer than his sister to pick up on new tricks. Eventually he'd learn from her example that the trick led to the treat! 

After about two months, he started becoming possessive of Tim. All Tim's attention had to be his, and if Biscuit tried to intervene, he would growl and nip at her. We, stupidly, thought it was adorable. We thought it was just a quirk in his personality and that he really loved his human. It wasn't long before he became possessive of the whole family, and the cuteness turned scary. If Biscuit tried to approach us, Cookie would attack her. If we tried to approach Biscuit, Cookie would attack her. We had tried working with them ourselves before finally consulting a handful of trainers...all of whom suggested re-homing him to a family with no other pets. Instead, we re-homed her and put him in a training class. 

He did well in the class, enjoyed the socialization...until one day where his behavior was so aggressive that the trainer had to alpha roll him to get him to stop. Apparently he was extremely nervous and intimidated in the beginning of class, and towards the end he was barking and lunging at the other dogs. It might have been because Tim had taken him that day for the first time, and the change was too startling for him...or maybe he was just super tired? No one knew. 

At home he was unpredictable. Sometimes he was fun and playful, other times he would lash out at the kids for no apparent reason. At first we knew it was resource guarding... If a child tried to take a toy from him while he was playing with it, he would growl and become defensive. But then he started guarding things that weren't ever his, like the remote control or a dust bunny on the floor...and eventually guarding absolutely nothing. He would try to attack if a child simply walked near him, and usually this child was our youngest, Lincoln. 

There were never any injuries. However, during that last incident, I had realized that he was treating Linky the same way he treated Biscuit. He stopped what he was doing, stared at him intently, and then lunged. When I noticed him staring, I put my hand on his collar...and before I even saw anything, I heard him choke on his collar because he had lunged so forcefully. 

And that was it. He spent the next two days outside until we surrendered him to the only place that would take him - the humane society. 

Even though we did what we had to do, we're still sad and grieving. It's become this unspoken rule that no one talks about Cookie anymore. We cleaned up the yard and moved his dog house out of view, packed up his toys and folded his blanket away, took the crate down and stored it in the garage, and wiped the paw prints off the patio door. We tried to erase him from our lives in an attempt to feel normal...but I can still smell him on our comforter and on the couch cushions, and I can't stop looking at his pictures. I feel like I've been crying for weeks...and I think it's because I've known, for a while now, that it would come to this.

We're so sorry, Cookie. You're a good boy. We love you.