After Isaac was born in Nov 2015, our lives were filled with joy and chaos. The stress of those first few months was incredible. We weren't just bogged down by the usual newborn stuff, like having a completely new human being in our family who mostly communicated in cries, or the drastic lack of sleep. We also had my partial seizures to deal with, the postpartum depression and PTSD that came after, Aislin's emerging ADHD, and Tim's undiagnosed ADHD. And we gave up our dog.
Once the seizures were under control, I knew it was time to work on the other stuff - the wanting to sleep all day and never be awake stuff, the never wanting to be near my baby stuff, the wanting to run away and pretend I didn't have a family stuff. The sadness. The crazy. The hurt. So I saw my family doctor first who put me on one medication, and when that didn't work, I saw a psychiatrist who put me on one medication after another, and sometimes a combination of meds, while I also saw a therapist. After a year and a half of mood stabilizers and antidepressants, none of which had worked, I knew one thing was certain: I was a mess, and the world couldn't help me anymore.
At the start of 2017, I began going to LDS support group meetings. The reason I didn't go sooner is because the LDS Church only has one kind of support group - the Addiction Recovery Program. Since I was neither an alcoholic nor drug addict, I didn't think this kind of support group applied to me; but at the start of the year, I had reached a point in my life where I knew I needed the Lord's help. So I went to my first women's-only general addiction meeting and read Step 1 of the workbook. The step was titled Honesty, and the key principle stated: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable. I may not have known anything about addiction at that time, but I knew that my life had become unmanageable. So I listened carefully during that first meeting, knowing it wasn't mandatory for me to be there - I could leave at any time and never come back. Then someone said something that began my understanding of addiction and my understanding of the program. She said that substances, pornography, and food aren't the only addictions out there....because people can be addicted to anger and resentment, too. Those words became the grain of mustard seed that set me on this path of attending weekly meetings, working the steps, giving my pain and weaknesses to the Lord, and putting my trust in Him day after day.
I've been attending meetings for 1 year and 4 months. In that time, I've learned that the word "addiction" refers to anything other than the Lord that you turn to in times of stress. Even if it's considered healthy, like exercise, or harmless and funny, like chocolate, there's really nothing healthy about diving into a food, activity, or behavior to relieve your stress. The ultimate goal is to instead turn to the Lord, to hand over your fears, doubts, and insecurities to Him, and trust in His ability to help you in all things.
So far, I've got that much down.
What I was not expecting to learn through this program was that there would be a second goal: to know His will for me and carry it out. What this means is that it's not enough anymore to just make intelligent choices, to counsel with family and friends and hope to gather their sage advice. What this means is that you're expected to counsel with the Lord first because, after all, He already knows your situation and He knows you, and His path is the only one that matters. What this also means is that, upon learning His will, you're then expected to trust Him enough, or at least pray for the courage, to then carry it out. Almost everything Tim and I have done over the past 8 months has been anchored to this one goal. Moving into a different home, in a different community and a different ward...Tim starting a business with two of his friends...Tim leaving GM after working there for 3 years. None of these decisions were made by us alone. In fact, the only reason we followed through with them is because, after praying over and over again, we received the same answers over and over again. We've been terrified, stressed out, and sad...mainly because we want control over our future, at least a glimpse of WHY we're doing what we're doing. We never understand initially how these decisions are good for us, and don't figure things out until the answers unfold over time. But we continue to work on this goal because we've learned this much by now: He knows what He's doing...and if we follow Him in faith and do our part, He will do His.
I finished the program months ago, and no, I wasn't rewarded with an Easy Button or a blindfold for blissful ignorance. My greatest struggles come from wanting to be in control of my present and my future, and from wanting my will to be done rather than His. My knee-jerk reaction to stress is still to run or fight, but progress is being made. Believe it or not, it's taken a lot of practice learning to get on my knees and pray the same day that I had shouted at my family or hopped in the car and disappeared for hours. I still have so much to learn and so much to practice, and there are days when I don't want to try anymore. But then I think back on all He's done for me, and I count just the most recent blessings, and know that my efforts are the least I can give back to Him.
So far, I've got that much down.
What I was not expecting to learn through this program was that there would be a second goal: to know His will for me and carry it out. What this means is that it's not enough anymore to just make intelligent choices, to counsel with family and friends and hope to gather their sage advice. What this means is that you're expected to counsel with the Lord first because, after all, He already knows your situation and He knows you, and His path is the only one that matters. What this also means is that, upon learning His will, you're then expected to trust Him enough, or at least pray for the courage, to then carry it out. Almost everything Tim and I have done over the past 8 months has been anchored to this one goal. Moving into a different home, in a different community and a different ward...Tim starting a business with two of his friends...Tim leaving GM after working there for 3 years. None of these decisions were made by us alone. In fact, the only reason we followed through with them is because, after praying over and over again, we received the same answers over and over again. We've been terrified, stressed out, and sad...mainly because we want control over our future, at least a glimpse of WHY we're doing what we're doing. We never understand initially how these decisions are good for us, and don't figure things out until the answers unfold over time. But we continue to work on this goal because we've learned this much by now: He knows what He's doing...and if we follow Him in faith and do our part, He will do His.
I finished the program months ago, and no, I wasn't rewarded with an Easy Button or a blindfold for blissful ignorance. My greatest struggles come from wanting to be in control of my present and my future, and from wanting my will to be done rather than His. My knee-jerk reaction to stress is still to run or fight, but progress is being made. Believe it or not, it's taken a lot of practice learning to get on my knees and pray the same day that I had shouted at my family or hopped in the car and disappeared for hours. I still have so much to learn and so much to practice, and there are days when I don't want to try anymore. But then I think back on all He's done for me, and I count just the most recent blessings, and know that my efforts are the least I can give back to Him.
